WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN 

TRAPPED IN ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part seven based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Review of the past six weeks: The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect. Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is a cry to be relieved from pain of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear.

Anger is fear-based
This week we look at how fears of being devalued or disrespected prompt us to mishandle our anger. Three things will help us choose a healthy and positive way to respond:
Be objective: weigh facts with logic to make a reasoned response. Pause before reacting.
Then practice good listening to get all the facts  and avoid negative assumptions or interpretations about what other people might intend or may have been feeling.   
Believe that you are a person of worth, who cares about others, and by the help of God’s grace, can be a peacemaker and a protector of other’s personal worth and boundaries.

Avoid these when you feel threatened:
Pride and Denial: “know-it-all” or living in unreality, or “I can’t change”
Evasiveness: “I don’t care”, withdrawal, hiding
Reversal: deflection-”what about you?”, blaming others, whining about being a victim of circumstances

When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them. We believe the truth about ourselves-that we have value as a person created uniquely in God’s love. Then we can tell others how their choices may be affecting us and what our own choices are. We can choose to not be controlled by others, even if they mistreat us. And we can still be sensitive to their own unresolved pain and problems while maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

We can do all this by following the Great Commandment to love God and love our neighbor as our self.

Mismanaged Anger and the Pride of Self-Absorption

Mismanaged Anger and the 

Pride of Self-Absorption     

  

  by Pastor Dwight

Part six based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is 

a cry to be relieved from pain. To relate to others with respect or disrespect 

indicates the degree to which we are free from self-absorbed pride.

 Note the exalted “I” imprisoned here: prIde &  sIn 

“Positive Pride”: a parent or leader may feel pride in their children or team and express affirmation of their character.

The “Prison of Pride”: self-absorption is a prison of selfish, self-centered, insecurity, which often stems from unresolved hurts, pain or fears. These strongholds are protected by pride.
We become so inwardly focused that it isn’t just about persevering our needs but we can act smug, un-teachable, rudely, hurtful or mean. Our pride justifies our sinful way of mismanaging anger, instead of humbling ourselves and being assertive in a constructive way about our needs or feelings.

All of us need to Exchange Pride with Humility in Christ: If we say we have no denial or self-protection in us then we are in bigger trouble than we know. But if we admit our need for the mind of Christ (humility) He can help us choose to exchange our prideful ways of control and reaction with his own fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, etc…

Pride on display in Debates: Vice-President Joe Biden treated Paul Ryan with condescension, sarcasm and at times mean anger. President Obama in the first debate was sulky and avoided eye contact with Romney which also showed disrespect. Romney and Ryan don’t always act humble any more than you or I do. But it is easy to see why this administration have fomented division, class envy, blame, irresponsibility and anger. Wisdom and blessing are not present when leaders are filled with self-absorbing pride.

The strong person admits fault in order to improve. Humility is not a “milk-toast doormat.” Christ. acted with righteous anger which was helpful and attractive to the humble.

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger can be understood as serving to preserve personal worth or value.

Emotional Dependency: An angry person may unconsciously be insecure about their own self-worth. All of us have some degree of emotional dependency. We are irritated when others ignore our directions or disrespect our wishes. We are never so detached from circumstances and persons that we never react to rudeness or complications. We all need and desire to feel loved and affirmed.

Love Deficit: Angry reactions reveal our desire to be held in higher regard. When we realize how much we depend on others to affirm our self worth we may not feel very
worthy. It is better to believe our own inborn worth in God’s image rather than be tied to achievement or performance. Worth is inherent whereas God’s love is unconditional.

Delicate Detachment: We can mentally separate ourselves from the judgment and behavior of others rather than taking everything personally. I can act upon my anger and retain my self worth while treating others with sensitivity when I realize their rudeness is probably revealing their own insecurity. My response can be that of a caring person rather than a person who
needs others to make me feel loved.

When I contemplate on God’s love for me, I am a person of worth treating others worthily.

Contemplate:
Who I am and want to be.
I must be willing to hold onto my separateness and my self worth as an individual. Then I can maintain my
composure, be assertive and calm in letting others know what is important to me while still treating them with dignity and love.

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

I Am free to choose how to handle my anger.

Once I’ve identified the purpose of anger (to preserve or protect) I recognize I have options how to handle my emotion. I can release myself from acting out of anger in a way that is hurtful to myself and others. I need to see that anger management is about responding appropriately when I feel controlled by others; namely, not trying to grab control myself in these three ways:
    1) Suppressing anger
    2) Acting aggressively
    3) Being passive aggressive. This is very manipulative through non-cooperation, stony silence, saying one thing and doing another, procrastinating, or giving a half-hearted effort.

The above unhealthy attempts to control the situation when I am angry goes beyond the effort to preserve legitimate needs and conviction. Now I am coercing others to fit my agenda through a power-play.

When I realize I have free will to choose healthy ways of responding I am free to let others take their own responsibility while I can be stable and have peace with my choices.

Some of my choices include the following:
1)    Take a time out
2)    Appeal that we talk again later
3)    Involve someone else in the conversation
4)    Choose to address my own needs and perceptions in a firm yet calm manner
5)    Let go of my own fixed agenda of how others should respond
6)    Recognize this is not a contest of wills. So repeating myself unnecessary.
7)    Most importantly, I can choose to forgive and let go of my anger.