BE AWARE, UNDERSTAND, TAKE ACTION (part three)

BE AWARE, UNDERSTAND, TAKE ACTION (part three)

by Dwight Cunkle

Though a son he learned obedience through suffering, offering up prayers with loud cries and crying...heard because of his reverence, he became the Source for all who obey him. Heb 5:8

     Thank God for nurses and Dr’s and medical technology! Yet it can be overwhelming to have to depend on others, and on medicines and equipment, while feeling pretty helpless, especially in the sterile, unfamiliar setting of hospital or emergency room. Plus the expense and impatience of wanting to get better or still be productive increases anxiety. God designed our bodies with great natural healing properties and sometimes the good that modern medicine tries to do is actually harmful. The bottom line is Jesus is our health, period!

My lemonade Sucks
When my life sucks I have choices: My tendency is to suck it up (get my focus off what is going on and try to make lemonade out of the lemons). Right now even my lemonade sucks! What I really need is to let go-not try to fix things but surrender my need to control to God who is actually in control. Even while sometimes telling him how sucky all this is, I can choose to humble myself before him and resist the devil and all his tactics, and grow in Christ. This is a moment to moment grace gift.!!

I can exchange desolations for consolations at the cross

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. 

(Psalms 94:19 NASB)        

     Two weeks ago I contrasted spiritual consolations and desolations. Our enemies, the world, the flesh and the devil, have various tactics like using natural things which are difficult in life, to try and move us away from God.
     But trials  can also lead us into spiritual consolations which uplift us toward God in faith, hope and love, in the present moment! In other words we can mature in union and closeness with God as we exchange negative thoughts and feelings at the cross for His grace and love, even crying out to God as Jesus did in the days of his earthly sufferings. In a recent sermon, we looked at how feelings make good indicators but lousy leaders.
     Last week Arch Bishop Sean Larkin reminded us how Jesus is always walking with us, waiting to reveal himself. He is present to you in whatever you face.

Enjoy your lemonade.

WHAT YOU AREN'T SAYING IS LOUDER THAN WHAT YOU ARE

WHAT YOU AREN'T SAYING IS LOUDER THAN WHAT YOU ARE 

by Dwight Cunkle

 

 

This week I substitute taught second grade at Kaiser. Several times I spoke with anger and treated a few students with disrespect when they misbehaved. I need more practice in thinking and loving a child who needs boundaries. It is wrong to look down on someone who lacks training and who needs father’s love. Christ humbled himself and shared our weakness to help us.

TRUE OR FALSE - Others are more important than me?

__What you’re not saying is louder than what you say.

__Non-verbal gives more than verbal communication:

(Body Language about 57%, Tone of Voice about 36%, Actual words 7%)

__When angry covert messages nearly always are more dominant than what is being said overtly. In other words, if I say something positive to you but use a condescending tone or roll my eyes, etc… you will receive a negative message.

(Keep reading to see how to relate to others without condescension and judgment. This key will help us put on Christ’s mind of love—being concerned about the interests of others above our own. Philippians 2 So if any encouragement, comfort from love, unity in the Spirit, affection, sympathy, 2 complete my joy...,  Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Answers to the above:

#1 is the more true the more emotion is present

#2 the figures are actually an urban myth although the idea sometimes applies.

#3 is TRUE.  

Choose to think descriptively instead of judgmentally:

     When feeling angry or frustrated at someone’s actions try to refuse to place judgment on them. Try to “unpack” what is going on instead of just making evaluations of your and their worth. Comparing yourself with others just places one person above or below another.

     On the other hand, I can admit I feel (disappointed etc…) and recognize their weakness or strength (e.g. they tend to be late or not plan their time well), then make a decision to have good boundaries (e.g. not put myself in a place of dependence on their keeping to my schedule). All the while, I refrain from judging or grading the person. Then I can see them as Christ does. Perhaps I can help them in the humility and love of Jesus.    

The “Right” to a Happy New Year Comes When I Exercise the Privilege to Forgive

The “Right” to a Happy New Year Comes When I
Exercise the Privilege to Forgive

by Dwight Cunkle 

based on The Anger Trap by Carter

Forgiveness and acceptance reduce anger. Don't cling to fantasies expectations and demands about your right to be treated fairly let alone squarely. Anger is fed by your “shock reaction.” You must guard your heart against any bitter root negativity and bad expectation or they will grow with in you like a bad seed and branch out into a poisonous plant.

Instead, choose to change your responses. To avoid bitter fruit in your life you can choose the privilege of acceptance and forgiveness. They are not a duty forced on you as if you were a victim or martyr. You can choose to bring your pain and disappointment to the cross of Jesus Christ. He paid for our sins and provides healing for our wounds in his own.

Assertiveness doesn't always generate the results I desire; in fact, it can backfire. But, by bringing my conflicts to the cross I can trust the love of God to guide me in making good choices. Forgiveness and acceptance reduce anger, especially because some conflicts remain unresolved satisfactorily. My insistence on having my way, my rights, or even closure entrap me and trip me up in the foul mood of unresolved anger. On the other hand assertiveness can be walked out with love for others while we can still be firm in our choices and boundaries.

I am in control of my choices, especially how I respond when others react or ignore my desires. Bitterness is a choice but acceptance and forgiveness is a better choice. As we sow shall we reap. God's grace is given to the humble; His mercy to the merciful.

Choose forgiveness and acceptance and choose to have good boundaries at the same time. You will have much more happiness and peace.

What do you most want this New Year?

SHIFTING OUR PARADIGM OF ANGER

SHIFTING OUR PARADIGM OF ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part nine based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Anger has a positive purpose when not “hijacked” by fear, pride, denial or blame-shifting. This week we look at the power of choosing to face Reality that the world often is not what we want and is always beyond our ability to control. But we can choose how we respond, beginning with letting go of our illusions and shock when life and people are hard. As we accept pain and disappointment we can respond with truth and love. When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them.

Eph 4:25-27 ...each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Signs of unrealistic expectations and demands of others:

I can’t believe….
Why cant you just…
I don’t understand why….

When statements like these are followed by a tendency to brood or act out in ways that are hurtful to those around us we can recognize that we have unrealistic demands on life

Two sources of anger from our past:
1. Chronic mistreatment or unresolved friction in our childhood. May influence us to look to the future with vows and illusions, “One of these days….”.
2. Some adults look back on childhood as almost perfect. Anxiety and frustration grow as they are unable to reproduce such perfection in their own home and lives.

Assertive anger uses firmness with calmness and gentleness. Facing reality and facing other people with respect means we choose to not keep score and not keep hold of an unrealistic sense of entitlement about how others and life should treat us.

Bottom line: we need to bring everything to the cross of Jesus Christ. Who is never shocked and sees the end from the beginning. His faithful love never fails.

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

I Am free to choose how to handle my anger.

Once I’ve identified the purpose of anger (to preserve or protect) I recognize I have options how to handle my emotion. I can release myself from acting out of anger in a way that is hurtful to myself and others. I need to see that anger management is about responding appropriately when I feel controlled by others; namely, not trying to grab control myself in these three ways:
    1) Suppressing anger
    2) Acting aggressively
    3) Being passive aggressive. This is very manipulative through non-cooperation, stony silence, saying one thing and doing another, procrastinating, or giving a half-hearted effort.

The above unhealthy attempts to control the situation when I am angry goes beyond the effort to preserve legitimate needs and conviction. Now I am coercing others to fit my agenda through a power-play.

When I realize I have free will to choose healthy ways of responding I am free to let others take their own responsibility while I can be stable and have peace with my choices.

Some of my choices include the following:
1)    Take a time out
2)    Appeal that we talk again later
3)    Involve someone else in the conversation
4)    Choose to address my own needs and perceptions in a firm yet calm manner
5)    Let go of my own fixed agenda of how others should respond
6)    Recognize this is not a contest of wills. So repeating myself unnecessary.
7)    Most importantly, I can choose to forgive and let go of my anger.