ANGER IN THE CHURCH - THE BIGGEST DETERRENT TO GROWTH

ANGER IN THE CHURCH - 

THE BIGGEST DETERRENT TO GROWTH

By Dwight Cunkle

Mishandled anger hinders Holy Spirit in the Church

By this shall all men know my disciples - OR NOT

    A recent survey reported that the biggest reason people do not attend a particular church is the presence of anger among members. On the other hand, goodwill and mutual care and trust are among the largest attractors for those choosing a church family. I believe God doesn't even want to come to church where people choose themselves, their opinions, their pride, their feelings, their programs, etc… over the love of God.

     I can be pretty good at throwing a pity party for one -ME! God interrupted my self-made misery once by speaking something like the following to me:
Do you really believe, “Love never fails”? If so, believe that your and other people’s failures opportune love.
     I had to make a choice—nurse my pride or tend His love. I could get trapped in the mental re-runs of offense or turn this into God’s moment to transform me and possibly others in love and truth. What is God up to???

     “love is not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. is not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs...love bears all things.”
 
   Whether I am repeatedly dwelling on my own failure or keeping record of someone else’s, both are failures to love. If I know how to handle my anger constructively I can receive and give love in practical and helpful ways. How will we settle disputes among one another, win the world to Christ, confront evil around us and judge angels  if we can’t constructively resolve anger toward one another???????  

     Some people need to get angry at sin but are passive. In this series I repeatedly have stated that anger has a purpose and can be used positively. God is angry at sin. He judges redemptively-meaning he disciplines us for our own good.  All us are saved by grace from his wrath. Do we show the same mercy to others and seek their good?  Jesus was especially angry at patterns of self-righteousness in religious people. Would he be angry at us?

      Let every man be quick to listen but slow to use his tongue, and slow to lose his temper. For man’s temper is never the means of achieving God’s true goodness. (James  1:19-20)

     Anger used against others is abusive, controlling, full of pride and self-protective. Paul wrote that it is better to be wronged and suffer than be a bad example of Christ to the world? How self-aware am I about my anger triggers? Do I tend to shoot first when I am hurt, feel threatened, disrespected or stressed? Do I listen to others who feel that I am angry or do I insist that I am not angry –boy that works really well, huh?

     Can we  see our body language, tone of voice and words through the eyes and feelings of others? When angry we are not good judges of how we are behaving. Few people have been taught how to make good choices when feeling hurt or wronged. It helps to receive counsel regarding how to speak the truth in love to one another and patiently help work through our blind spots.

     Otherwise we risk getting old alone. We expose ourselves and others to sickness. We are like bad breath to one another and hinder new potential members in the church. Since we will give account to God for our word, let’s expose our anger through confession and the transforming power of God’s love instead of being in denial or stuffing our feelings. It takes Godly love and spiritual authority to become an apostolic community of Holy Spirit.

This is #14 in the series on 

The Anger Trap: How to free ourselves from the frustrations that sabotage life and relationships, 

based on the book by Dr. Les Carter. 

To see the back entries go to Covenantlifechurch.com and click on our blog “Pastor’s Corner.”

Anger Choices Determine My Heritage and Harvest

Anger Choices Determine My Heritage and Harvest

by Dwight Cunkle 

    Sixteen years ago I brought home The Anger Workbook to use in family meetings.

 We still joke about what a disaster it was. However, if I had been able to lead us through the principles of 

managing emotional choices we’d have handled frustrations and relationships better.

     In dangerous or abusive situations, fight or flight is the right choice. However, in most daily life situations 

we can either choose to act out our anger in aggressive and potentially harmful ways; or, we can choose to act

 in assertiveness yet with sensitivity to the other people involved. This choices are rooted in the following: 

1. How we feel we have been treated: Have I been abused, or actually trained how to manage my emotions 

in healthy ways? Either way healing and forgiveness are hard. I can receive mercy and grace by giving it. 

2. How we see others: If pride controls me I may see others or their opinions as inferior to mine. If I feel 

inferior to them I either play the one-up-manship-game, in order to feel better about me, or I may shut-down 

verbally or emotionally. How do I see those who irritate me? Is it my job to “fix” them or their work? 

Really!?!?

3. How we see ourselves: Is my self-worth based in God’s love and purpose for me-that I bear God’s image 

or on my performance? What kind of person do I want to be, regardless of if others actually change?

Exchange Bad Harvest for Good Heritage: God gave His Son because He values us as his sons and 

daughters, regardless of my circumstances and performance. We can bring our frustrations to Jesus at the 

cross, like a bad harvest. In repentance ask for what Christ will say and give in it’s place. (Phil 2 Christ already 

exchanged himself for us and has a better heritage to give). 

This is #13 in the series on The Anger Trap: How to free ourselves from the frustrations that sabotage life and relationships, based on the book by Dr. Les Carter. To see the back entries go to Covenantlifechurch.com and click on our blog “Pastor’s Corner.”

The “Right” to a Happy New Year Comes When I Exercise the Privilege to Forgive

The “Right” to a Happy New Year Comes When I
Exercise the Privilege to Forgive

by Dwight Cunkle 

based on The Anger Trap by Carter

Forgiveness and acceptance reduce anger. Don't cling to fantasies expectations and demands about your right to be treated fairly let alone squarely. Anger is fed by your “shock reaction.” You must guard your heart against any bitter root negativity and bad expectation or they will grow with in you like a bad seed and branch out into a poisonous plant.

Instead, choose to change your responses. To avoid bitter fruit in your life you can choose the privilege of acceptance and forgiveness. They are not a duty forced on you as if you were a victim or martyr. You can choose to bring your pain and disappointment to the cross of Jesus Christ. He paid for our sins and provides healing for our wounds in his own.

Assertiveness doesn't always generate the results I desire; in fact, it can backfire. But, by bringing my conflicts to the cross I can trust the love of God to guide me in making good choices. Forgiveness and acceptance reduce anger, especially because some conflicts remain unresolved satisfactorily. My insistence on having my way, my rights, or even closure entrap me and trip me up in the foul mood of unresolved anger. On the other hand assertiveness can be walked out with love for others while we can still be firm in our choices and boundaries.

I am in control of my choices, especially how I respond when others react or ignore my desires. Bitterness is a choice but acceptance and forgiveness is a better choice. As we sow shall we reap. God's grace is given to the humble; His mercy to the merciful.

Choose forgiveness and acceptance and choose to have good boundaries at the same time. You will have much more happiness and peace.

What do you most want this New Year?

FORGIVENESS IS CENTRAL TO MAKE THE JESUS SHIFT

FORGIVENESS IS CENTRAL TO MAKE THE JESUS SHIFT

By Dwight Cunkle

Part eleven based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

It shouldn’t take bone cancer to heal us
of relational cancer

     Like you, I have many memories of the agony of broken relationships which could have been avoided if we had chosen to learn how to practice assertive anger (truth in love). One example is the relational pain I had caused my sisters and I am sure my own parents by withdrawing from them, moving away, and being judgmental and self-righteous toward them. It was not until we shared the care of our father during his final weeks of battling painful bone cancer that I reconciled and began to feel close again to my sisters. In the days of dad’s lingering pain I felt the Lord say to me, “He is filling up the mystery of sharing in my suffering for my body.” His pain gave opportunity to heal our relational pain. But I had to make the “Jesus Shift” to acceptance and ask and receive forgiveness.

Anger and frustration comes in conflict not because we want to fight but because
we want closure and connection.

If your brother is offended at you go and try to make it right with him before trying to bring sacrifices to God (Mt 5:22-23) 

If your brother has sinned against you go to him privately and try to restore the relationship. (Mt 18:18-19)

      If we would just practice the two above Scriptures so much unnecessary pain could be avoided.

     Just as there are both healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger, there is also healthy and unhealthy guilt. Godly sorrow produces intense remorse over our sin and intense motivation to be forgiven and restored. This kind of agony is a gift of God’s mercy leading to true repentance.

     Bad guilt is condemning like shame. It leads us to turn inward but not deep enough-it only focuses on self. Narcissistic introspection won’t restore our soul anymore than blame and holding onto offense. Good guilt directs us to the cross and deep into the core of our spirit where Christ dwells. There He heals and restores.

     The peace which follows from this grace enables us to accept others, ask and give forgiveness. Especially in this season, may God grant us good guilt, reconciliation and peace.

SHIFTING OUR PARADIGM OF ANGER

SHIFTING OUR PARADIGM OF ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part nine based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Anger has a positive purpose when not “hijacked” by fear, pride, denial or blame-shifting. This week we look at the power of choosing to face Reality that the world often is not what we want and is always beyond our ability to control. But we can choose how we respond, beginning with letting go of our illusions and shock when life and people are hard. As we accept pain and disappointment we can respond with truth and love. When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them.

Eph 4:25-27 ...each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Signs of unrealistic expectations and demands of others:

I can’t believe….
Why cant you just…
I don’t understand why….

When statements like these are followed by a tendency to brood or act out in ways that are hurtful to those around us we can recognize that we have unrealistic demands on life

Two sources of anger from our past:
1. Chronic mistreatment or unresolved friction in our childhood. May influence us to look to the future with vows and illusions, “One of these days….”.
2. Some adults look back on childhood as almost perfect. Anxiety and frustration grow as they are unable to reproduce such perfection in their own home and lives.

Assertive anger uses firmness with calmness and gentleness. Facing reality and facing other people with respect means we choose to not keep score and not keep hold of an unrealistic sense of entitlement about how others and life should treat us.

Bottom line: we need to bring everything to the cross of Jesus Christ. Who is never shocked and sees the end from the beginning. His faithful love never fails.

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part eight based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter


Eph 4:25-27 25 ...each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.

Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan to answer the question of love and boundaries. The social outcast (Samaritan) had plenty of reason to avoid the stranger in the ditch. The religious persons in the story passed on by, but he was willing to be interrupted (he went near to the one in need and touched him). The Samaritan chose to get involved (inconvenience changed his plan). He personally invested his own resources without expectation of being paid back. He could have reacted with judgment and anger and self-protection but instead he modeled love. He extended his personal boundary to include a stranger from a group different than his own, and he acted in compassion. 

To be a good neighbor means to be free from prejudice, past hurts, and to be willing to allow God to open my heart to receive and to give His agape’ love.
Review from previous weeks:
Understand the positive purpose of anger.
Become aware of the choice to handle anger in a healthy or unhealthy way: assertiveness combined with sensitivity to others. Choose not to suppress anger, be openly aggressive or resort to passive-anger (silence, poor work ethic, complaining, making excuses, blaming others, feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself or shunning accountability.
How am I influenced by family patterns to treat me and others with respect or defensive reactions?
Become aware of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear of being disrespected or devalued as a person, and myths I may believe about anger.

The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect. Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is a cry to be relieved from pain of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear.

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN 

TRAPPED IN ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part seven based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Review of the past six weeks: The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect. Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is a cry to be relieved from pain of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear.

Anger is fear-based
This week we look at how fears of being devalued or disrespected prompt us to mishandle our anger. Three things will help us choose a healthy and positive way to respond:
Be objective: weigh facts with logic to make a reasoned response. Pause before reacting.
Then practice good listening to get all the facts  and avoid negative assumptions or interpretations about what other people might intend or may have been feeling.   
Believe that you are a person of worth, who cares about others, and by the help of God’s grace, can be a peacemaker and a protector of other’s personal worth and boundaries.

Avoid these when you feel threatened:
Pride and Denial: “know-it-all” or living in unreality, or “I can’t change”
Evasiveness: “I don’t care”, withdrawal, hiding
Reversal: deflection-”what about you?”, blaming others, whining about being a victim of circumstances

When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them. We believe the truth about ourselves-that we have value as a person created uniquely in God’s love. Then we can tell others how their choices may be affecting us and what our own choices are. We can choose to not be controlled by others, even if they mistreat us. And we can still be sensitive to their own unresolved pain and problems while maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

We can do all this by following the Great Commandment to love God and love our neighbor as our self.

Mismanaged Anger and the Pride of Self-Absorption

Mismanaged Anger and the 

Pride of Self-Absorption     

  

  by Pastor Dwight

Part six based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is 

a cry to be relieved from pain. To relate to others with respect or disrespect 

indicates the degree to which we are free from self-absorbed pride.

 Note the exalted “I” imprisoned here: prIde &  sIn 

“Positive Pride”: a parent or leader may feel pride in their children or team and express affirmation of their character.

The “Prison of Pride”: self-absorption is a prison of selfish, self-centered, insecurity, which often stems from unresolved hurts, pain or fears. These strongholds are protected by pride.
We become so inwardly focused that it isn’t just about persevering our needs but we can act smug, un-teachable, rudely, hurtful or mean. Our pride justifies our sinful way of mismanaging anger, instead of humbling ourselves and being assertive in a constructive way about our needs or feelings.

All of us need to Exchange Pride with Humility in Christ: If we say we have no denial or self-protection in us then we are in bigger trouble than we know. But if we admit our need for the mind of Christ (humility) He can help us choose to exchange our prideful ways of control and reaction with his own fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, etc…

Pride on display in Debates: Vice-President Joe Biden treated Paul Ryan with condescension, sarcasm and at times mean anger. President Obama in the first debate was sulky and avoided eye contact with Romney which also showed disrespect. Romney and Ryan don’t always act humble any more than you or I do. But it is easy to see why this administration have fomented division, class envy, blame, irresponsibility and anger. Wisdom and blessing are not present when leaders are filled with self-absorbing pride.

The strong person admits fault in order to improve. Humility is not a “milk-toast doormat.” Christ. acted with righteous anger which was helpful and attractive to the humble.

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger can be understood as serving to preserve personal worth or value.

Emotional Dependency: An angry person may unconsciously be insecure about their own self-worth. All of us have some degree of emotional dependency. We are irritated when others ignore our directions or disrespect our wishes. We are never so detached from circumstances and persons that we never react to rudeness or complications. We all need and desire to feel loved and affirmed.

Love Deficit: Angry reactions reveal our desire to be held in higher regard. When we realize how much we depend on others to affirm our self worth we may not feel very
worthy. It is better to believe our own inborn worth in God’s image rather than be tied to achievement or performance. Worth is inherent whereas God’s love is unconditional.

Delicate Detachment: We can mentally separate ourselves from the judgment and behavior of others rather than taking everything personally. I can act upon my anger and retain my self worth while treating others with sensitivity when I realize their rudeness is probably revealing their own insecurity. My response can be that of a caring person rather than a person who
needs others to make me feel loved.

When I contemplate on God’s love for me, I am a person of worth treating others worthily.

Contemplate:
Who I am and want to be.
I must be willing to hold onto my separateness and my self worth as an individual. Then I can maintain my
composure, be assertive and calm in letting others know what is important to me while still treating them with dignity and love.

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

I Am free to choose how to handle my anger.

Once I’ve identified the purpose of anger (to preserve or protect) I recognize I have options how to handle my emotion. I can release myself from acting out of anger in a way that is hurtful to myself and others. I need to see that anger management is about responding appropriately when I feel controlled by others; namely, not trying to grab control myself in these three ways:
    1) Suppressing anger
    2) Acting aggressively
    3) Being passive aggressive. This is very manipulative through non-cooperation, stony silence, saying one thing and doing another, procrastinating, or giving a half-hearted effort.

The above unhealthy attempts to control the situation when I am angry goes beyond the effort to preserve legitimate needs and conviction. Now I am coercing others to fit my agenda through a power-play.

When I realize I have free will to choose healthy ways of responding I am free to let others take their own responsibility while I can be stable and have peace with my choices.

Some of my choices include the following:
1)    Take a time out
2)    Appeal that we talk again later
3)    Involve someone else in the conversation
4)    Choose to address my own needs and perceptions in a firm yet calm manner
5)    Let go of my own fixed agenda of how others should respond
6)    Recognize this is not a contest of wills. So repeating myself unnecessary.
7)    Most importantly, I can choose to forgive and let go of my anger.

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART THREE)

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART THREE)

 
By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect.

The problem with anger is that Sin enters when we act out angrily without respect or sensitivity to others. (Common sense dictates how we treat an intruder or enemy on the battlefield  but I am talking about normal day-today conflict resolution with people around us.)

Trained Incompetence—generational patterns of iniquity
Few people were trained how to handle anger and frustration in positive assertive ways during their childhood. Generational patterns of moodiness and self-protective reaction become entrenched like curses: “demolition derby arguing”, or passive aggressive behavior (“silent treatment” or “saying ‘Yes’ while meaning ‘No’,” procrastination, not finishing work, doing work without excellence, etc...).

Common excuses we use include: “that’s just the way I am,” or “if you had been treated the way I have…” or  there may be a physiological problem like a depletion of serotonin in the brain.The message many received is “just stop feeling that way,” instead of hearing, “tell me more about what happened and what might help.”

The model often was “do as I say not as I do.” We can tell a child their angry action was bad but are they imitating us whining, bickering or suppressing anger?

Then we grow up without being trained how to handle emotions: to slow down, listen, think and make careful choices in how to manage life’s challenges. We don’t realize that we actually need a “plan” beforehand about how to communicate and resolve problems. In most situations anger warrants careful exploration of cause and consequence but do we do it?

Contemplative Thinking:
No matter our age and experience we can choose to learn how to think differently about our feelings and make better choices., rather than just reacting on impulse and out-of-control. Then I can learn to discern the spirit-source/direction. 

Does my anger in this instant have a legitimate cause and do I have a way to communicate how I feel (not just attack)?

How can I respond in a way consistent with life goals, values and Jesus’ commands about relationships?

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART TWO)

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART TWO)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Can anger be productive when handled properly?
Yes, if while I am trying to preserve personal worth, needs and convictions I simultaneously uphold the dignity of the others involved.

We can communicate with a positive kind of assertiveness about our core values when we want others to take us seriously. The true nature of assertiveness is not so strong willed that others feel insignificant or invalidated.

A list of positive functions of anger include:

Standing firmly for right beliefs
Expressing caring concern about poor others’ choices made by others
Stipulating personal limits and boundaries
Establishing self-respect
Holding firmly to personal convictions even as others attempt mind controlling maneuvers
Addressing problems related to irresponsibility or misguided priorities
Being clear about personal needs
Demonstrating confidence and inviting others to consider your perspective
Setting your own course for each day’s challenges
Establishing discipline and coordination in shared efforts

If you are able to tie anger to constructive motives, it is no longer an ensnaring emotion. Instead, anger can become an impetus to propel you to stand for truth and take a proactive approach to conflict resolution.

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (YEAH RIGHT!?!)

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN 

(YEAH RIGHT!?!)

By Dwight Cunkle

(based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter)

To abide in Jesus (live in the life of The Prince of Peace) and be his dwelling place I will probably have to deal with anger in both forms (healthy and unhealthy). Paul wrote "be angry but don't sin." I'm pretty good at the first part; Not So good at the second. Jesus shows us the right reasons for righteous anger and ways to respond. Selfishness was not one of them. Love can actually be a proper source for righteous anger.

Why is there so much anger? Because of so much Pain!
Types of pain include fear, insecurity and abuse. Other causes of anger include misunderstandings about spiritual and emotional maturity or what it means to be a man or what the true nature of authority is. People trapped in anger often try to exert control in order to meet their demands. If that sounds selfish it is, but remember that much unhealthy anger comes from unresolved pain not just selfishness.
Can angry people change?

If one of the "Sons of Thunder" could become the Apostle of Love (and we don't mean x's and o's) then there is the hope for us. Holy Spirit can uncover and resolve the sources and actions of anger which are harmful not only to ourselves but to those around us if we humble ourselves and ask grace to abide in his love. It’s a long process to learn when to both be angry and take proper actions, while abiding in the love of God.

?What? Be angry and be in God's love at same time?
Do I know I am loved unconditionally by God and have no need to protect myself from him and his will? That is the purpose of anger-to protect myself or others. Do I feel respected by God? Do I think that I have significance to God? Do I feel treated unfairly by God or think He handles others wrongly? Can I talk to God honestly about our relationship and be open to what He will say back to me? Then I am well on the way to handling anger in healthy ways; both my anger toward others and anger from others directed at me.
David handled anger without damaging his relationship with God. He was cautious to not react defensively toward those who mistreated him (like  Saul) but he also expressed his anger toward others like Saul's daughter, his wife. She didn't just disrespect him but the God he was worshipping by his "undignified dance".
So we see that David showed righteous anger toward the enemies of God like Goliath- he fought them. David loved God and knew he was loved by God. That is the source of learning how to be free from bad anger and yet respond rightly when anger is justified.

May God heal us from old wounds and fears and fill us with his  love. We also ask for the courage to speak and act for God's justice for the oppressed and enslaved (who are experiencing a kind of “hell on earth”) and God give us courage to witness and work in mercy and love for those He will save from eternal hell. Be angry and sin not.