Anger Choices Determine My Heritage and Harvest

Anger Choices Determine My Heritage and Harvest

by Dwight Cunkle 

    Sixteen years ago I brought home The Anger Workbook to use in family meetings.

 We still joke about what a disaster it was. However, if I had been able to lead us through the principles of 

managing emotional choices we’d have handled frustrations and relationships better.

     In dangerous or abusive situations, fight or flight is the right choice. However, in most daily life situations 

we can either choose to act out our anger in aggressive and potentially harmful ways; or, we can choose to act

 in assertiveness yet with sensitivity to the other people involved. This choices are rooted in the following: 

1. How we feel we have been treated: Have I been abused, or actually trained how to manage my emotions 

in healthy ways? Either way healing and forgiveness are hard. I can receive mercy and grace by giving it. 

2. How we see others: If pride controls me I may see others or their opinions as inferior to mine. If I feel 

inferior to them I either play the one-up-manship-game, in order to feel better about me, or I may shut-down 

verbally or emotionally. How do I see those who irritate me? Is it my job to “fix” them or their work? 

Really!?!?

3. How we see ourselves: Is my self-worth based in God’s love and purpose for me-that I bear God’s image 

or on my performance? What kind of person do I want to be, regardless of if others actually change?

Exchange Bad Harvest for Good Heritage: God gave His Son because He values us as his sons and 

daughters, regardless of my circumstances and performance. We can bring our frustrations to Jesus at the 

cross, like a bad harvest. In repentance ask for what Christ will say and give in it’s place. (Phil 2 Christ already 

exchanged himself for us and has a better heritage to give). 

This is #13 in the series on The Anger Trap: How to free ourselves from the frustrations that sabotage life and relationships, based on the book by Dr. Les Carter. To see the back entries go to Covenantlifechurch.com and click on our blog “Pastor’s Corner.”

Love Becoming and You Will Become Loving

 Love Becoming and You Will Become Loving

by Dwight Cunkle

______________  listed reasons to help herself make good emotional response choices:

 “If I choose bitterness I can make myself feel superior to ______. He wouldn’t change but I could quietly gloat over my higher reasoning. But by accepting, forgiving and overlooking I could stop keeping score of right vrs wrong; I wouldn’t feel so drained over petty things; I could move to more pleasant thoughts like appreciation and happiness.
 “If I choose to continue the same non-productive ways of anger I will feel more hopeless and hurt. But if I use “brave communication” to resolve conflict it will mean hard work and time and risking my feelings.
 “If I continue to use blaming “You statements” (You make me feel…) instead of taking responsibility“I statements (When you quietly ignore me like last night I feel of little value or importance like something on a bookshelf gathering dust,) I will regret not trying to resolve conflict and have better relationships.” 

     She faced the truth that forgiveness and acceptance don’t excuse other people’s bad behavior or remove pain. But she saw that by taking memories and feelings to the cross she could receive more of Christ’s perspective and power (mercy and grace). Best of all, she could grow in love. She could both receive God’s love and choose to act more lovingly toward others. In turn, Carol began to feel more love, freedom, peace and courage to continue this new way of responding uprightly.
     As her heart became more whole and her mind less cluttered, she could meditate and contemplate Christ instead of feel trapped in her wounds and regrets. She could begin to know what God is really like. She wanted to know Him more.
Sharing Jesus’ Pain: even though she was changing others may not, could not or would not. She couldn’t “force them to change.” It was back to the cross….

The “Right” to a Happy New Year Comes When I Exercise the Privilege to Forgive

The “Right” to a Happy New Year Comes When I
Exercise the Privilege to Forgive

by Dwight Cunkle 

based on The Anger Trap by Carter

Forgiveness and acceptance reduce anger. Don't cling to fantasies expectations and demands about your right to be treated fairly let alone squarely. Anger is fed by your “shock reaction.” You must guard your heart against any bitter root negativity and bad expectation or they will grow with in you like a bad seed and branch out into a poisonous plant.

Instead, choose to change your responses. To avoid bitter fruit in your life you can choose the privilege of acceptance and forgiveness. They are not a duty forced on you as if you were a victim or martyr. You can choose to bring your pain and disappointment to the cross of Jesus Christ. He paid for our sins and provides healing for our wounds in his own.

Assertiveness doesn't always generate the results I desire; in fact, it can backfire. But, by bringing my conflicts to the cross I can trust the love of God to guide me in making good choices. Forgiveness and acceptance reduce anger, especially because some conflicts remain unresolved satisfactorily. My insistence on having my way, my rights, or even closure entrap me and trip me up in the foul mood of unresolved anger. On the other hand assertiveness can be walked out with love for others while we can still be firm in our choices and boundaries.

I am in control of my choices, especially how I respond when others react or ignore my desires. Bitterness is a choice but acceptance and forgiveness is a better choice. As we sow shall we reap. God's grace is given to the humble; His mercy to the merciful.

Choose forgiveness and acceptance and choose to have good boundaries at the same time. You will have much more happiness and peace.

What do you most want this New Year?