FORGIVENESS IS CENTRAL TO MAKE THE JESUS SHIFT

FORGIVENESS IS CENTRAL TO MAKE THE JESUS SHIFT

By Dwight Cunkle

Part eleven based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

It shouldn’t take bone cancer to heal us
of relational cancer

     Like you, I have many memories of the agony of broken relationships which could have been avoided if we had chosen to learn how to practice assertive anger (truth in love). One example is the relational pain I had caused my sisters and I am sure my own parents by withdrawing from them, moving away, and being judgmental and self-righteous toward them. It was not until we shared the care of our father during his final weeks of battling painful bone cancer that I reconciled and began to feel close again to my sisters. In the days of dad’s lingering pain I felt the Lord say to me, “He is filling up the mystery of sharing in my suffering for my body.” His pain gave opportunity to heal our relational pain. But I had to make the “Jesus Shift” to acceptance and ask and receive forgiveness.

Anger and frustration comes in conflict not because we want to fight but because
we want closure and connection.

If your brother is offended at you go and try to make it right with him before trying to bring sacrifices to God (Mt 5:22-23) 

If your brother has sinned against you go to him privately and try to restore the relationship. (Mt 18:18-19)

      If we would just practice the two above Scriptures so much unnecessary pain could be avoided.

     Just as there are both healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger, there is also healthy and unhealthy guilt. Godly sorrow produces intense remorse over our sin and intense motivation to be forgiven and restored. This kind of agony is a gift of God’s mercy leading to true repentance.

     Bad guilt is condemning like shame. It leads us to turn inward but not deep enough-it only focuses on self. Narcissistic introspection won’t restore our soul anymore than blame and holding onto offense. Good guilt directs us to the cross and deep into the core of our spirit where Christ dwells. There He heals and restores.

     The peace which follows from this grace enables us to accept others, ask and give forgiveness. Especially in this season, may God grant us good guilt, reconciliation and peace.

PAIN ALSO SERVES A PURPOSE

PAIN ALSO SERVES A PURPOSE

By Dwight Cunkle

Part ten based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Last week we looked at “myths” that can cause unhealthy and anger-either hidden and passive or openly
aggressive.

Believing and demanding wrong ideals leads to disillusionment, vows like “I will never…” and bitter-root judgments which poison our interpretation of others.

“I need people to treat me fairly,” needs replaced with,“I can manage my anger despite others’ flaws.”
“Being forceful is a sign of strength,” can be replaced with “Gentleness and listening humbly show strength.”
“Accepting or showing weakness means defeat,” Can be replaced with, “Accepting mine and others’ weaknesses the maturity and emotional health I want.”

A key is to not build my self-esteem on what I think I deserve or what privileges to which I feel entitled. As we saw in this past election that always leads to anger and poor decisions. It is healthier to focus on my responsibilities which means I also need to face and accept pain. People who are often hurting others have probably not come to terms with their own inner agony.

Pain can have a redemptive purpose-protecting us from worse injury to ourselves and others.

The cross is the place for our pain since Jesus bore it. The cross is the place of exchange of our rights for his good.

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.

Let pain bring you to Christ’s wounds. Come to Jesus’ side and ask healing from deep wounds. Ask grace to give and receive forgiveness.  Exchange life with Jesus.

SHIFTING OUR PARADIGM OF ANGER

SHIFTING OUR PARADIGM OF ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part nine based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Anger has a positive purpose when not “hijacked” by fear, pride, denial or blame-shifting. This week we look at the power of choosing to face Reality that the world often is not what we want and is always beyond our ability to control. But we can choose how we respond, beginning with letting go of our illusions and shock when life and people are hard. As we accept pain and disappointment we can respond with truth and love. When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them.

Eph 4:25-27 ...each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Signs of unrealistic expectations and demands of others:

I can’t believe….
Why cant you just…
I don’t understand why….

When statements like these are followed by a tendency to brood or act out in ways that are hurtful to those around us we can recognize that we have unrealistic demands on life

Two sources of anger from our past:
1. Chronic mistreatment or unresolved friction in our childhood. May influence us to look to the future with vows and illusions, “One of these days….”.
2. Some adults look back on childhood as almost perfect. Anxiety and frustration grow as they are unable to reproduce such perfection in their own home and lives.

Assertive anger uses firmness with calmness and gentleness. Facing reality and facing other people with respect means we choose to not keep score and not keep hold of an unrealistic sense of entitlement about how others and life should treat us.

Bottom line: we need to bring everything to the cross of Jesus Christ. Who is never shocked and sees the end from the beginning. His faithful love never fails.

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part eight based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter


Eph 4:25-27 25 ...each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.

Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan to answer the question of love and boundaries. The social outcast (Samaritan) had plenty of reason to avoid the stranger in the ditch. The religious persons in the story passed on by, but he was willing to be interrupted (he went near to the one in need and touched him). The Samaritan chose to get involved (inconvenience changed his plan). He personally invested his own resources without expectation of being paid back. He could have reacted with judgment and anger and self-protection but instead he modeled love. He extended his personal boundary to include a stranger from a group different than his own, and he acted in compassion. 

To be a good neighbor means to be free from prejudice, past hurts, and to be willing to allow God to open my heart to receive and to give His agape’ love.
Review from previous weeks:
Understand the positive purpose of anger.
Become aware of the choice to handle anger in a healthy or unhealthy way: assertiveness combined with sensitivity to others. Choose not to suppress anger, be openly aggressive or resort to passive-anger (silence, poor work ethic, complaining, making excuses, blaming others, feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself or shunning accountability.
How am I influenced by family patterns to treat me and others with respect or defensive reactions?
Become aware of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear of being disrespected or devalued as a person, and myths I may believe about anger.

The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect. Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is a cry to be relieved from pain of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear.

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN 

TRAPPED IN ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part seven based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Review of the past six weeks: The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect. Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is a cry to be relieved from pain of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear.

Anger is fear-based
This week we look at how fears of being devalued or disrespected prompt us to mishandle our anger. Three things will help us choose a healthy and positive way to respond:
Be objective: weigh facts with logic to make a reasoned response. Pause before reacting.
Then practice good listening to get all the facts  and avoid negative assumptions or interpretations about what other people might intend or may have been feeling.   
Believe that you are a person of worth, who cares about others, and by the help of God’s grace, can be a peacemaker and a protector of other’s personal worth and boundaries.

Avoid these when you feel threatened:
Pride and Denial: “know-it-all” or living in unreality, or “I can’t change”
Evasiveness: “I don’t care”, withdrawal, hiding
Reversal: deflection-”what about you?”, blaming others, whining about being a victim of circumstances

When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them. We believe the truth about ourselves-that we have value as a person created uniquely in God’s love. Then we can tell others how their choices may be affecting us and what our own choices are. We can choose to not be controlled by others, even if they mistreat us. And we can still be sensitive to their own unresolved pain and problems while maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

We can do all this by following the Great Commandment to love God and love our neighbor as our self.

Mismanaged Anger and the Pride of Self-Absorption

Mismanaged Anger and the 

Pride of Self-Absorption     

  

  by Pastor Dwight

Part six based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is 

a cry to be relieved from pain. To relate to others with respect or disrespect 

indicates the degree to which we are free from self-absorbed pride.

 Note the exalted “I” imprisoned here: prIde &  sIn 

“Positive Pride”: a parent or leader may feel pride in their children or team and express affirmation of their character.

The “Prison of Pride”: self-absorption is a prison of selfish, self-centered, insecurity, which often stems from unresolved hurts, pain or fears. These strongholds are protected by pride.
We become so inwardly focused that it isn’t just about persevering our needs but we can act smug, un-teachable, rudely, hurtful or mean. Our pride justifies our sinful way of mismanaging anger, instead of humbling ourselves and being assertive in a constructive way about our needs or feelings.

All of us need to Exchange Pride with Humility in Christ: If we say we have no denial or self-protection in us then we are in bigger trouble than we know. But if we admit our need for the mind of Christ (humility) He can help us choose to exchange our prideful ways of control and reaction with his own fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, etc…

Pride on display in Debates: Vice-President Joe Biden treated Paul Ryan with condescension, sarcasm and at times mean anger. President Obama in the first debate was sulky and avoided eye contact with Romney which also showed disrespect. Romney and Ryan don’t always act humble any more than you or I do. But it is easy to see why this administration have fomented division, class envy, blame, irresponsibility and anger. Wisdom and blessing are not present when leaders are filled with self-absorbing pride.

The strong person admits fault in order to improve. Humility is not a “milk-toast doormat.” Christ. acted with righteous anger which was helpful and attractive to the humble.

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger can be understood as serving to preserve personal worth or value.

Emotional Dependency: An angry person may unconsciously be insecure about their own self-worth. All of us have some degree of emotional dependency. We are irritated when others ignore our directions or disrespect our wishes. We are never so detached from circumstances and persons that we never react to rudeness or complications. We all need and desire to feel loved and affirmed.

Love Deficit: Angry reactions reveal our desire to be held in higher regard. When we realize how much we depend on others to affirm our self worth we may not feel very
worthy. It is better to believe our own inborn worth in God’s image rather than be tied to achievement or performance. Worth is inherent whereas God’s love is unconditional.

Delicate Detachment: We can mentally separate ourselves from the judgment and behavior of others rather than taking everything personally. I can act upon my anger and retain my self worth while treating others with sensitivity when I realize their rudeness is probably revealing their own insecurity. My response can be that of a caring person rather than a person who
needs others to make me feel loved.

When I contemplate on God’s love for me, I am a person of worth treating others worthily.

Contemplate:
Who I am and want to be.
I must be willing to hold onto my separateness and my self worth as an individual. Then I can maintain my
composure, be assertive and calm in letting others know what is important to me while still treating them with dignity and love.