WHY PEOPLE REMAIN TRAPPED IN ANGER

WHY PEOPLE REMAIN 

TRAPPED IN ANGER

By Dwight Cunkle

Part seven based on The Anger Trap by Dr. Les Carter

Review of the past six weeks: The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect. Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is a cry to be relieved from pain of insecurity, pride, self-absorption, fear.

Anger is fear-based
This week we look at how fears of being devalued or disrespected prompt us to mishandle our anger. Three things will help us choose a healthy and positive way to respond:
Be objective: weigh facts with logic to make a reasoned response. Pause before reacting.
Then practice good listening to get all the facts  and avoid negative assumptions or interpretations about what other people might intend or may have been feeling.   
Believe that you are a person of worth, who cares about others, and by the help of God’s grace, can be a peacemaker and a protector of other’s personal worth and boundaries.

Avoid these when you feel threatened:
Pride and Denial: “know-it-all” or living in unreality, or “I can’t change”
Evasiveness: “I don’t care”, withdrawal, hiding
Reversal: deflection-”what about you?”, blaming others, whining about being a victim of circumstances

When we abide in God’s love we can choose to love others while speaking the truth to them. We believe the truth about ourselves-that we have value as a person created uniquely in God’s love. Then we can tell others how their choices may be affecting us and what our own choices are. We can choose to not be controlled by others, even if they mistreat us. And we can still be sensitive to their own unresolved pain and problems while maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

We can do all this by following the Great Commandment to love God and love our neighbor as our self.

Mismanaged Anger and the Pride of Self-Absorption

Mismanaged Anger and the 

Pride of Self-Absorption     

  

  by Pastor Dwight

Part six based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger is tied to the craving for love, admiration and significance-sometimes it is 

a cry to be relieved from pain. To relate to others with respect or disrespect 

indicates the degree to which we are free from self-absorbed pride.

 Note the exalted “I” imprisoned here: prIde &  sIn 

“Positive Pride”: a parent or leader may feel pride in their children or team and express affirmation of their character.

The “Prison of Pride”: self-absorption is a prison of selfish, self-centered, insecurity, which often stems from unresolved hurts, pain or fears. These strongholds are protected by pride.
We become so inwardly focused that it isn’t just about persevering our needs but we can act smug, un-teachable, rudely, hurtful or mean. Our pride justifies our sinful way of mismanaging anger, instead of humbling ourselves and being assertive in a constructive way about our needs or feelings.

All of us need to Exchange Pride with Humility in Christ: If we say we have no denial or self-protection in us then we are in bigger trouble than we know. But if we admit our need for the mind of Christ (humility) He can help us choose to exchange our prideful ways of control and reaction with his own fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, etc…

Pride on display in Debates: Vice-President Joe Biden treated Paul Ryan with condescension, sarcasm and at times mean anger. President Obama in the first debate was sulky and avoided eye contact with Romney which also showed disrespect. Romney and Ryan don’t always act humble any more than you or I do. But it is easy to see why this administration have fomented division, class envy, blame, irresponsibility and anger. Wisdom and blessing are not present when leaders are filled with self-absorbing pride.

The strong person admits fault in order to improve. Humility is not a “milk-toast doormat.” Christ. acted with righteous anger which was helpful and attractive to the humble.

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

Freeing Yourself from Anger Rising from Insecurity (Part Five)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Anger can be understood as serving to preserve personal worth or value.

Emotional Dependency: An angry person may unconsciously be insecure about their own self-worth. All of us have some degree of emotional dependency. We are irritated when others ignore our directions or disrespect our wishes. We are never so detached from circumstances and persons that we never react to rudeness or complications. We all need and desire to feel loved and affirmed.

Love Deficit: Angry reactions reveal our desire to be held in higher regard. When we realize how much we depend on others to affirm our self worth we may not feel very
worthy. It is better to believe our own inborn worth in God’s image rather than be tied to achievement or performance. Worth is inherent whereas God’s love is unconditional.

Delicate Detachment: We can mentally separate ourselves from the judgment and behavior of others rather than taking everything personally. I can act upon my anger and retain my self worth while treating others with sensitivity when I realize their rudeness is probably revealing their own insecurity. My response can be that of a caring person rather than a person who
needs others to make me feel loved.

When I contemplate on God’s love for me, I am a person of worth treating others worthily.

Contemplate:
Who I am and want to be.
I must be willing to hold onto my separateness and my self worth as an individual. Then I can maintain my
composure, be assertive and calm in letting others know what is important to me while still treating them with dignity and love.

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

THINGS WE ARE LEARNING ABOUT ANGER (PART FOUR)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

I Am free to choose how to handle my anger.

Once I’ve identified the purpose of anger (to preserve or protect) I recognize I have options how to handle my emotion. I can release myself from acting out of anger in a way that is hurtful to myself and others. I need to see that anger management is about responding appropriately when I feel controlled by others; namely, not trying to grab control myself in these three ways:
    1) Suppressing anger
    2) Acting aggressively
    3) Being passive aggressive. This is very manipulative through non-cooperation, stony silence, saying one thing and doing another, procrastinating, or giving a half-hearted effort.

The above unhealthy attempts to control the situation when I am angry goes beyond the effort to preserve legitimate needs and conviction. Now I am coercing others to fit my agenda through a power-play.

When I realize I have free will to choose healthy ways of responding I am free to let others take their own responsibility while I can be stable and have peace with my choices.

Some of my choices include the following:
1)    Take a time out
2)    Appeal that we talk again later
3)    Involve someone else in the conversation
4)    Choose to address my own needs and perceptions in a firm yet calm manner
5)    Let go of my own fixed agenda of how others should respond
6)    Recognize this is not a contest of wills. So repeating myself unnecessary.
7)    Most importantly, I can choose to forgive and let go of my anger.

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART THREE)

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART THREE)

 
By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

The purpose of anger is to preserve or protect.

The problem with anger is that Sin enters when we act out angrily without respect or sensitivity to others. (Common sense dictates how we treat an intruder or enemy on the battlefield  but I am talking about normal day-today conflict resolution with people around us.)

Trained Incompetence—generational patterns of iniquity
Few people were trained how to handle anger and frustration in positive assertive ways during their childhood. Generational patterns of moodiness and self-protective reaction become entrenched like curses: “demolition derby arguing”, or passive aggressive behavior (“silent treatment” or “saying ‘Yes’ while meaning ‘No’,” procrastination, not finishing work, doing work without excellence, etc...).

Common excuses we use include: “that’s just the way I am,” or “if you had been treated the way I have…” or  there may be a physiological problem like a depletion of serotonin in the brain.The message many received is “just stop feeling that way,” instead of hearing, “tell me more about what happened and what might help.”

The model often was “do as I say not as I do.” We can tell a child their angry action was bad but are they imitating us whining, bickering or suppressing anger?

Then we grow up without being trained how to handle emotions: to slow down, listen, think and make careful choices in how to manage life’s challenges. We don’t realize that we actually need a “plan” beforehand about how to communicate and resolve problems. In most situations anger warrants careful exploration of cause and consequence but do we do it?

Contemplative Thinking:
No matter our age and experience we can choose to learn how to think differently about our feelings and make better choices., rather than just reacting on impulse and out-of-control. Then I can learn to discern the spirit-source/direction. 

Does my anger in this instant have a legitimate cause and do I have a way to communicate how I feel (not just attack)?

How can I respond in a way consistent with life goals, values and Jesus’ commands about relationships?

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART TWO)

BE ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN (PART TWO)

By Dwight Cunkle

based on The Anger Trap by Dr Les Carter

Can anger be productive when handled properly?
Yes, if while I am trying to preserve personal worth, needs and convictions I simultaneously uphold the dignity of the others involved.

We can communicate with a positive kind of assertiveness about our core values when we want others to take us seriously. The true nature of assertiveness is not so strong willed that others feel insignificant or invalidated.

A list of positive functions of anger include:

Standing firmly for right beliefs
Expressing caring concern about poor others’ choices made by others
Stipulating personal limits and boundaries
Establishing self-respect
Holding firmly to personal convictions even as others attempt mind controlling maneuvers
Addressing problems related to irresponsibility or misguided priorities
Being clear about personal needs
Demonstrating confidence and inviting others to consider your perspective
Setting your own course for each day’s challenges
Establishing discipline and coordination in shared efforts

If you are able to tie anger to constructive motives, it is no longer an ensnaring emotion. Instead, anger can become an impetus to propel you to stand for truth and take a proactive approach to conflict resolution.

TIPS FOR PRAYER AND MEDITATION

TIPS FOR PRAYER AND MEDITATION

By Dwight Cunkle

Things that might help in daily prayer and meditation: 
Consider reading the Scripture once the night before, then when you revisit it in the morning something may “pop.”
If needed briefly think about the historical and cultural context to whom the Scripture was addressed.
Keep it simple rather than feel like this is too hard because you may "not be getting anything." You have probably heard God and received from Him many times when reading the Scripture or just thinking (but perhaps not always recognizing when it was God speaking or directing).
Don’t think you have to get something every day. Trust Holy Spirit to reveal Christ’s specific word in you over time instead of feeling pressure to “get” something immediately every time.
You can revisit a previous day. Please avoid looking at other Scriptures during this specific 20-45 minutes. Trust God.
Think in terms of sowing and reaping-how that growth takes time. New ideas may come instantly. New ways of thinking require however long Holy Spirit needs to work in us.
It is said that it takes repetition of 18 days to exchange a new habit for an old one. BUT it takes six months to feel at home in the changes-like they are part of you-in other words to “abide in them.” Be patient with yourself and with God who works in you both to will and to do his good pleasure (Phil 2:13).

Create a daily habit/pattern as "a way that works":
1. Five days a week, 20-45 min daily, praying through the Scripture.  Start with what you are able to do.
2. Give thanks and ask God for the grace as you begin.
3. Think back prayerfully, in the morning or before going to bed. “Discern the spirits” in our thoughts and emotions.
4. Make some notes briefly of your thoughts or responses.
5. Practice consciousness of God during the day
When first waking up consciously learn to wake up mind and spirit. Grow in consciousness of God’s presence and your responses throughout the day. We won't be afraid to think because we become more aware God lives in us.